Review of film: “ARMORED” [ = a "TURKEY" at Christmas-time! ]

2009, 12-03:

Review of film:  “ARMORED” 

Director: 

Nimród Antal

Writer:  

James V. Simpson

Starring: 

Matt Dillon, Jean Reno, Laurence Fishburne, Amaury Nolasco, Fred Ward, Milo Ventimiglia, Skeet Ulrich, Columbus Short, Andre Jamal Kinney, & others.

MPAA:

Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense violence, some disturbing images and brief strong language.

Quotes: 

“ All new trucks will be equipped with GPS. ”

“ You should have stuck with him. ”

MY Rating: 

4 of 10 stars (based on an advance screening of an 88-minute film scheduled for release Dec. 4, 2009).

Steel yourself against this BOMB!

The trailer made this film look like a “thriller”.  But, the only real “thriller” involved WAS the trailer!…   Do you want to know how NOT to write an effective script? --  This is your film!…  Do you want to know how to gather stereotyped characters & surround them in CLICHES? --  This is your film!…

…  Do you want to know how to use overwrought role-players & music?--  This is your film!…  (It certainly isn’t “MY” film, thank goodness!…)

…  Early in the movie, a guy to my right in the audience kept COMPLAINING out-loud about what he was seeing.  Normally, that would bother me--  except, he was so totally “RIGHT ON!” in his comment that , “This PLOT line has so many HOLES in it, it isn’t even funny!…” 

…  In fact, it was so poor, people tended to LAUGH a fair amount about things that were clearly meant to be taken "seriously", an ever-present sign of how consistently the filmmakers FAILED in their work…

…  MATT DILLON plays the lead role of Mike Cochrone, a big-shot truck guard for the Eagle Shield Armored Transport company which picks up money from banks.  As written, his character is so extremely solicitous of newly-hired Ty Hackett (COLUMBUS SHORT) & so especially concerned about Ty’s financial problems, that it’s immediately clear Matt “WANTS” something from him…

…  There are a bunch of purposely-racially-diverse co-workers at Eagle, who are usually known just by their LAST names:  “bad-ass” gun-loving Baines (LAURENCE FISHBURNE), who regularly DRINKS on the job (to no one’s particular concern, altho that could readily get them fired or killed);  & a “conveniently”-Hispanic, seemingly-ex-gang-member with the “appropriate” Latino-sounding last name of Palmer (played by AMAURY NOLASCO)…

…  Speaking of “names” & exhibiting the “CARE” shown by the filmmakers, there’s the man with the “brilliantly”-chosen Irish surname of Quinn-- whom the filmmakers “naturally” chose to have played by JEAN RENO, who clearly has a FRENCH accent!  (Couldn’t they have simply changed the name of his character?! -- That they didn’t shows the inherent SLACKNESS of the whole overall production here)...

…  And, “squaring” out the cast, there’s “hesitant”, non-“joiner” co-worker Dobbs (a bearded SKEET ULRICH), their easygoing boss Duncan Ashcroft (FRED WARD), and Columbus’ (Ty’s)  trouble-causing truant kid brother Jimmy (ANDRE JAMAL KINNEY)…  Later on, you meet “attentive” cop Jake Eckehart (MILO VENTIMIGLIA)…

… To NO real surprise, Matt works to convince Columbus (Ty) to join the others in plans to HEIST the money on two of their trucks (of course, with the idea of “helping” him out of his well-“telegraphed” financial “difficulties”)…

…  If you’re expecting some cleverly-planned caper movie, you’ll be sorely DISAPPOINTED:  there ISN’T any real true “planning” involved or explained (of either the “before-” or “after”-pilfering period) …

…  Stand-up guy Columbus only agrees to join in on the assurance that “no one” will get (physically) “HURT” by their actions.  Knock-me-over-with-a-feather, people DO get hurt by what they do!  And Columbus then turns "AGAINST” his co-heisters, who quickly go after HIM for flaking-out on them…

…  This film has such unforgettable scenes as:  “armored” trucks which keep FALLING APART & are fairly easily DISABLED (-- maybe a “cautionary” tale about using the “LOW” bidder?! --);  trying to “block” peoples’ views by pasting money on windows (tho there are loads of places you could still look THRU the windows!);  a guy running NOISILY when he should be attempting to be silent;  and so on…

…  If you saw this movie, you could delight in witnessing a whole series of STUPID actions, such as:  a character being threatened by a gun which is aimed away from him for so long, he easily could have pushed the gun-holder over a ledge (which he, typically, doesn’t even attempt)…

…  And, a guy running “straight” to escape a truck chasing him from behind, when he could easily go SIDEWAYS between columns to avoid it;  a man trying to “save” a cop for no clear immediate “purpose”, followed by his later crawling away from the truck, & then foolishly RETURNING to it (rather than using the cop’s car to try to get away);  etc….

…  It’s almost mind-boggling how POORLY plotted, written, paced, acted & directed this film is.  (Please understand--  in my opinion, that all “starts” with the WRITING, since the actors --  many apparently frantic to keep “BUSY” with some project – can’t “rise” much “above” that…)… 

…  And, as I commented to a friend (who also was amazed by how BADLY done this was)-- Why would this film be “saved” for release in the pre-Christmas period when many scheduled MAJOR film releases will be likely to “BURY” it (rather than try to “save” it for a “dead” period around January of February)?  --  Could it be designed mainly as a “TAX-WRITE-OFF” by the company involved?…

… Some films are so “bad”, they’re good (in a “cult” type of way).  This is NOT ONE of those--  it’s just plain INFERIOR!…  So, if you for some unknown reason have an unquenchable desire to see this (belated) TURKEY--  just seek out the TRAILER (for free on the internet) & watch that!…       

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