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2011, 08-16:
Review of film: “CONAN THE BARBARIAN”
A “Supernatural” ACTION / fantasy that’s decidedly “EHH—”
The year was 1982, the place was Cimmeria, & the person was “ARNOLD”...
... Yes, we’re talking Schwarzenegger in his “breakthrough” acting role in the “CONAN THE BARBARIAN” film-- which followed a series of Marvel comics in 1970, stories published in 1954 by Gnome Press, & the character’s creation in 1932 by Robert E. Howard for stories in a magazine called “WEIRD TALES”...
... This new 112-minute movie starts with a view of nations during the “HYBORIAN Age”, which supposedly occurred after the destruction of legendary Atlantis (around 9600 BCE) & before the rise of the known ANCIENT civilizations (which occurred in only 6 regions of the planet) around 6000 years ago...
... We see warfare going on during the “Hyborian” period, & the destruction of a mystical MASK that supposedly gave huge magical POWERS to its owner...
... The mask was purposely “divided-up” between various groups, so as to AVOID creating another all-powerful entity that would enslave others by having the mask joined together again...
... One portion of the mask was passed down into the control of a Cimmerian tribal chief named Corin (RON PERLMAN)...
... We see him preparing a test for males wanting to be warriors. Altho he’s much younger & smaller than the other guys, Ron’s 12-ish son Conan (LEO HOWARD) insists on JOINING in the test...
... As the young men are conducting their “race”, they are ASSAULTED by violent men from another tribe... While many of the young guys are hurt or killed, CONAN manages to kill & drive off the members of the ATTACKING group...
... Soon, Ron’s village is set-upon by the vicious leader of the attackers, one Khalar Zym (STEPHEN LANG) & his young witch daughter Marique (IVANA STANEVA)...
... After destroying much of the village (& many of its inhabitants), they capture Ron & Conan, & Stephen works to try to FORCE them to turn over the last missing piece of the MASK Ron has hidden...
... We learn that, all that Stephen needs to in-effect “activate” the power of the mask (which he eventually GETS from Ron) is finding the blood of some “PURE” woman, which’d unleash all the power of the mask & “resurrect” Stephen’s beloved dead WIFE...
... We see Conan GROWING UP, & by around 25 years old (in the form of JASON MOMOA), becoming a very POWERFUL warrior who sells his services to “high” bidders...
... One of his friends is a black ship-owning warrior he travels around with periodically...
... We see Conan & his “group” (+ separately-located Stephen & his crowd) with the ever-popular “topless wenches”, which they enjoy when they’re not having their frequent COMBAT with some other group...
... Naturally, Jason wants to have vengeance on Stephen for having killed his father RON, & keeps searching for him thru the years...
... Meanwhile, Stephen has continued his search for the woman with the “PURE BLOOD” which he needs for his mask...
... His equally-EVIL daughter (now played by ROSE McGOWAN) has increased her witch-ly abilities, & helps her dad Stephen (tho she’s peeved that he doesn’t find her “ENOUGH” in his life)...
... Stephen engineers an assault on a MONASTERY which Rose feels holds the “pure-blood” woman named Tamara (RACHEL NICHOLS)...
... When Rachel (who has some special “abilities”) works to escape from Stephen’s thugs, she chances to meet JASON, who’s sort of “taken” with her (in his own “arrogant” way)...
... Jason tries to work with his black warrior friend to keep Rachel AWAY from Stephen’s clutches...
... But, in trying to help Rachel escape, he has to deal with a “SANDMAN” army which is created by ROSE via blowing “smoke” in his direction...
... The rest of the film deals with the efforts of Jason to HELP Rachel & at the same time try to stop STEPHEN from his plans of enslaving many of the tribes and “independent” warriors...
... Will Jason / Conan be able to FIGHT-OFF the ever-present “flying” sandmen?... Will he & Rachel get AWAY from them & Stephen?...
... Will Jason be able to RESCUE Rachel from the clutches of a certain “MYSTICAL” group of warriors & the sort of huge “SNAKE” created by Stephen?...
... There’s loads of “ACTION” in this movie, some of it WELL-done -- often mainly due to a slew of SPECIAL EFFECTS added into it via utilizing numerous companies (including some in Bulgaria, where much of the film was shot)...
... But, I found the “juxtapositioning” of various things a bit “MADDENING” & off-putting:
... The movie is supposedly “set” in a period many THOUSANDS of years ago-- yet it combines some correctly “old” weapons (bows & arrows) with some impossibly “MODERN” armaments (like specially-worked metal swords)...
... We see boats shaped like Chinese junks (which weren’t developed until around 200 BCE)...
... We see loads of expectedly UN-technological tribes living a very PRIMITIVE existence-- at the same time we see impossibly complex ARCHITECTURE, with Greek-like columns & parapet-topped buildings with windows that were 10-50 or more stories high...
... As an audience member commented to me afterwards, the Egyptian Pyramid of GIZA -- built in 2570 BCE – was the tallest structure in the world (at 480 feet = 146 meters) for 3800 years [until the building of the Lincoln Cathedral in England in 1311 AD]...
... In the midst of numerous “backward” areas, we keep seeing examples of ruins of sophisticated large Greek-style columns-- some standing weirdly “alone” in the midst of large FORESTS of trees with no other “built” thing around them...
... It’s not the “worst” thing ever... But, so much of the movie was so “JUMBLED” & out-of-place (& TIME), it often made things come across as very “SILLY” / stupid & UNBELIEVABLE...
... All that made a lot of the supposedly-“Supernatural” doings very hard for me to “ACCEPT” (such as the bizarre octopus-like “tentacled”-looking “snake” that attacks Jason & Rachel, plus a lot of the EVENTS that occur)...
... Thus, while the action is periodically decent, & the acting is “ACCEPTABLE” (if nothing “exceptional”), much of the film (with its pretty weak storyline & many “oddball” FANTASY elements) comes across almost “CARTOON-ish” rather than something you can get “INTO”...
... The film (which is overly-“GORY” in a number of its blood-letting scenes) supposedly is set in a “SPECIAL” age & time-- but I didn’t tend to “FEEL” that in the way the film was “constructed”...
... The 3-D is sadly-typical in its generally-INEFFECTIVE use (mainly seeming to be the usual “excuse” for an unnecessary “surcharge”); to me, the added-cost is NOT particularly “WORTH” the extra $ 3-5 most theatres tend to charge nowadays...
... I didn’t find the film “Bad”-- it’s a passable “POPCORN” movie (to while away some time)... But, it’s just not anything “SPECIAL”, in my opinion (& nowhere near as good as most OTHER “action” films this summer)...
... Thus, I’m rating it at 6.5 out of 10 stars (which is sort of the “equivalent” of my friend Tim’s rating of it as decidedly “EHH—”)...
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