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2011, 09-08:
Review of film: “CREATURE” -- A Movie worth WALKING OUT of...
I almost never walk OUT of a movie before it ends-- but I did at this R-rated piece of crap, because it simply wasn’t WORTH any more of my TIME...
... The so-called “plot” was described as follows (with the emphasis being mine): “In the back country of Louisiana, a group of friends unearth a terrible SECRET that unleashes a MONSTER from the depths of the swamp.”...
... I (and certain other people) were hoping it would be one of the “old” style “B” horror movies where a fairly cheesy character would EMERGE from the swamp & engage in a bunch of silly & hopefully-funny actions, ala “Creature Of the Black Lagoon”...
... This movie starts out in a “handy” backwoods swamp. A young woman does what comes “naturally” to her in such an area known to be inhabited by alligators & poisonous snakes -- she promptly goes SWIMMING NAKED in the middle of the water...
... Of course, since this movie is awash with “quality”, we’re treated to a bunch of FULL-FRONTAL views of her (-- one of a NUMBER of such scenes scattered throughout the film, utilized especially whenever the makers grew typically “DESPERATE”)...
... Well, knock me over with a “feather”-- this brilliant long-time native of the area is promptly ATTACKED by an alligator, with the audience being immersed in one of the film’s numerous scenes of BLOODY GORE...
... Soon, we’re introduced to the usual inherently-STUPID young people traveling around in a car thru the general area:
... The SUV’s driven by a particular jackass named Oscar (DILLON CASEY). He sits next to his sister, who I think was named Beth (AMANDA FULLER), & she likes showing her boobs to male strangers-- when she’s not engaging in LESBIAN activities...
... In the 2nd row of seats sits ex-Marine Randy (AARON HILL), who’s next to his lover whose name was apparently Caroline (REBEKAH KENNEDY), one of the more relatively-“up-tight” members of the group...
... In the 3rd row, we have a demographically-“convenient” racially-mixed couple-- comparatively smart ex-military man Niles (MEHCAD BROOKS) and his girlfriend Emily (SERINDA SWAN), who’s the sister of Aaron...
... None of this is an “accident”, in that INCESTUOUS relationships are one of the “KEYSTONES” of the shall-I-call-it “plot” of this movie...
... Not wanting to leave any cliché untouched, there are numerous scenes of smoking DOPE & DRINKING among this group...
... Encouraged by Dillon, the crowd visits an out-of-the-way sort of general store named “Chopper’s” after its owner with that name (played by SID HAIG)...
... After the young people stock-up on more booze, Sid & the other yellow-teethed “hillbilly” denizens tell the “kids” about the legend of a onetime-human “CREATURE” who lived in the area who became “crazed” after his female love was killed by an albino alligator (which “caused” him to BECOME a “mutated” individual)...
... To no great surprise, Dillon urges the others to VISIT the area where the crazed guy once lived... It’s (of course) in the middle of the fairly dangerous SWAMP area...
... As the group walks “unconcerned” thru an overgrown area, we see Dillon supposedly “attacked” by a bunch of TARANTULA spiders (never mind that they basically live in DRY well-drained areas rather than in wet swampy locales! LOGIC is not a “touchstone” here, Folks)...
... We see a number of bad-looking “BITES” from the spiders on Dillon’s right arm-- but he promptly tells the others that he’s just “FINE” (which they blithely believe without question), & the bite marks suddenly “DISAPPEAR” from his arm within minutes (either due to a “miracle”-- or more likely rotten & cheap “CONTINUITY” problems!)...
... They casually decide to “camp” out in the MIDDLE of a dense overgrowth swampy area (rather than in some OPEN clearing), & carelessly sit & lay on the potentially-dangerous GROUND, working to “hook-up” with each other & the like...
... Typical of the “quality” inherent in this project, we soon see Dillon as a “PEEPING-TOM” & then having a sexual involvement with his SISTER while he’s peeping (& doing “OTHER” things)...
... Ah, but rest-assured— the film doesn’t STAY in such a “high-class” groove, it goes promptly DOWNHILL:
... Dillon, it seems, is keeping a “hidden AGENDA” from the other young people, & he’s purposely luring them into HARM’S way...
... With the spoken excuse that “It’s GOD’S will—”, we’re treated to various examples of family MUTILATION & TERROR towards various of the “innocents” in the story...
... It was around this time that I’d decided I’d had “ENOUGH” of this LOW-level “SLASHER” slop...
... The movie works to give various reptiles & arachnids “BAD” names-- but, it’s really the FILMMAKERS that deserve that reputation...
... Some people may “like” TRASH like this-- but, I felt it simply wasn’t WORTH any more of my time or efforts, & I EXITED the theater after less than an hour...
... You’d be wise to SAVE your MONEY rather than throw it away on this ZERO (of 10 stars) movie (which “succeeds” only in raising the DISGUST level)...
... Also, to play "safe", you'd probably be wise to NOT try to access the film's WEB-site (as some weird problems arose with my e-mail contact list around the time I went to it)...
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